She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
