Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
