I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
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Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
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When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I know her cup size but not her name....
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