I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
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Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
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Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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