Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
