shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
