Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
