One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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