You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Is it because I queefed?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
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I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
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YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
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