No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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