Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
