Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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