apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
