paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
