I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
