im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
