the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
