yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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