I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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