you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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