True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
bring money and cleavage
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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