Pappa wants mamma naked
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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