I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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