Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
