I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
