So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
