In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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