kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
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you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
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Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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