He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
