their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
