Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
