can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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