Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
