I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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