This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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