I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i will never coherently bang her
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
