and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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