I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
