Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
