peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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