Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
