so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
