I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
