i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
