Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
