why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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