Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
