Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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