thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
