Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
