Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
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