I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
