so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
