I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
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If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
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I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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