Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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