All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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