I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize